Taking a plunge…

A couple of posts ago I spoke about my depression, which is something that I finally seem to be getting over. Counselling really helped me and I finally feel closer to the “old me” than I have felt for the past year. My doctor has decided to reduce my dosage of anti depressants which is great, although it leaves me some anxiety over what I’m going to be like when I fully stop taking them.

Although mentally I feel fine, I know that the past year has been horrendous to my social life. I pushed friends away and hurt them so badly that it feels like there is no turning back. One of my best friends, who I have lived with all throughout university has been at the receiving end of most of this, and although we’re still friends it just feels like it will never be the same. A few months ago we booked to go to Australia together, getting a one way ticket and arranging a place to stay when we get there. Another friend is planning on joining us a month after.

All of this sounds great, but for a while I was questioning whether I should go. Whether I could handle it. Whether I would feel the same out there. Whether I would be the one to ruin it for my friends. I kept all these worries to myself, but eventually they came pouring out one day. My friend told me that she had never had any doubt that it wouldn’t be good, and that she thought I’d be perfectly fine out there. So I committed myself 100% to going. Then, a couple of days ago, she dropped the bombshell on me that she thinks for the first month out there we should do our own thing. Her reasoning for this is that I don’t speak up for myself, and she never knows what is going on in my head. She also feels that it would help me build confidence, which is something that I have been wanting for a long time. I completely understand her reasoning because it frustrates me too but it hurts me to think that she feels as though spending time alone with just me would be awful.

But now I’m faced with a dilemma…I still want to go, but I’m a stubborn person. I feel that she doesn’t want me to go, which is making me doubt myself. Part of me wants to just avoid the whole situation and stay in my comfort zone at home. Part of me wants to go and do my own thing, not even worrying about meeting up with my friends, having a whole new life. The final part of me wants to follow her plan of doing our own thing for a bit and then meeting up. But should I do that? The whole issue is me speaking up for myself, but will it even matter what I feel about this? It seems her mind is made up, now I just have to make up mine…

I bought myself the Lonely Planet Discover Australia book to get me in the mood and to try and work out what to do. The past couple of days I’ve been gearing myself up for going and doing my own thing, looking into things I could do etc. But I’m scared. I need to take the plunge but I felt like it was a scary enough plunge booking a one way ticket with somebody, let alone ended up in a strange country with no clue what to do. I don’t want to hold myself back, but I feel like I need somebody there to take the first few steps with me. I don’t want to feel like I’m trying to run before I can walk.

So, this is going to give me a lot to think about over the next few weeks, decisions need to be made, plans need to be created. Expect to hear more from me about this.