Taking a plunge…

A couple of posts ago I spoke about my depression, which is something that I finally seem to be getting over. Counselling really helped me and I finally feel closer to the “old me” than I have felt for the past year. My doctor has decided to reduce my dosage of anti depressants which is great, although it leaves me some anxiety over what I’m going to be like when I fully stop taking them. 

Although mentally I feel fine, I know that the past year has been horrendous to my social life. I pushed friends away and hurt them so badly that it feels like there is no turning back. One of my best friends, who I have lived with all throughout university has been at the receiving end of most of this, and although we’re still friends it just feels like it will never be the same. A few months ago we booked to go to Australia together, getting a one way ticket and arranging a place to stay when we get there. Another friend is planning on joining us a month after. 

All of this sounds great, but for a while I was questioning whether I should go. Whether I could handle it. Whether I would feel the same out there. Whether I would be the one to ruin it for my friends. I kept all these worries to myself, but eventually they came pouring out one day. My friend told me that she had never had any doubt that it wouldn’t be good, and that she thought I’d be perfectly fine out there. So I committed myself 100% to going. Then, a couple of days ago, she dropped the bombshell on me that she thinks for the first month out there we should do our own thing. Her reasoning for this is that I don’t speak up for myself, and she never knows what is going on in my head. She also feels that it would help me build confidence, which is something that I have been wanting for a long time. I completely understand her reasoning because it frustrates me too but it hurts me to think that she feels as though spending time alone with just me would be awful.

But now I’m faced with a dilemma…I still want to go, but I’m a stubborn person. I feel that she doesn’t want me to go, which is making me doubt myself. Part of me wants to just avoid the whole situation and stay in my comfort zone at home. Part of me wants to go and do my own thing, not even worrying about meeting up with my friends, having a whole new life. The final part of me wants to follow her plan of doing our own thing for a bit and then meeting up. But should I do that? The whole issue is me speaking up for myself, but will it even matter what I feel about this? It seems her mind is made up, now I just have to make up mine…

I bought myself the Lonely Planet Discover Australia book to get me in the mood and to try and work out what to do. The past couple of days I’ve been gearing myself up for going and doing my own thing, looking into things I could do etc. But I’m scared. I need to take the plunge but I felt like it was a scary enough plunge booking a one way ticket with somebody, let alone ended up in a strange country with no clue what to do. I don’t want to hold myself back, but I feel like I need somebody there to take the first few steps with me. I don’t want to feel like I’m trying to run before I can walk.

So, this is going to give me a lot to think about over the next few weeks, decisions need to be made, plans need to be created. Expect to hear more from me about this.

ImageBook available from Waterstones £14.29

 

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The Final One

I was diagnosed with depression before Christmas and for the past 10 weeks I have been seeing a counsellor. Tomorrow is my last session with her and I am dreading it being the end. I have literally only just begun to feel comfortable to open up to her, to bring up what I want to talk about and to be completely honest with her and it’s over before I know it. When I started counselling my main goal was to be able to open up to those around me more, I thought I would be able to manage it but I still can’t. I just have a barrier up constantly and I am trying to talk myself into breaking it down but it just does not seem to work for me. It honestly terrifies me, but I don’t know why. These are the people who have seen me at my lowest, people who I know so much about yet I can’t let them in. I can’t think of a specific reason for this but all I do know is that it frustrates me so much. This is definitely going to be the focus of my last session.

Counselling has helped me to feel aware of my feelings, be able to banish negative thoughts if need be or be able to take a moment and try to solve what is causing me these thoughts. It has definitely helped me to feel better, going from spending all day alone in my room feeling rubbish to being able to go out and socialise with my friends. Obviously I do have some days where all I want to do is be alone, and for a while I will do that but then I know when to draw the line and stop excluding myself.

A friend of mine suggested writing down my thoughts and feelings as she knows I find it difficult to talk about them, so this is something I have been doing on and off for the past few weeks. When I’m feeling particularly down I have begun to find that writing it down and having a little cry does wonders, before I would literally let things make me feel so rubbish and get stuck in a vicious cycle. The next step for me is definitely to try and share what I’m writing down, but I know this is going to take a lot of courage for me to do it.

I have always lacked self confidence which I think plays a major part in me feeling like I can’t open up to people. I constantly feel like I am split in two, as I often have discussions in my head – one side will be telling me to go for it and that it isn’t as scary as it seems, whereas the other is telling me that I shouldn’t do it. The majority of the time I allow the side saying that I shouldn’t to win. I hate this.

To sum up what I have learnt from counselling; I have far too high expectations of myself and hold myself responsible for too much, it is okay to have negative feelings and be able to keep them without letting them affect you, sometimes I need to make myself a priority rather than other people, I need to have a voice, I hate silence but it can sometimes be a good thing, being able to tell how you’re feeling can help you to feel better and always try and find the positives even if the situation seems completely negative.

Bit of random rambling…

I really wanted to keep up to date on this blog, rather than letting it slide like I have previously done. However as I’m a final year university student I have had to put my studies first. As I have 20,000 words to write within the next 5 or so weeks I really need to start knuckling down. Please can somebody suggest a way to motivate myself for this, I am avoiding doing work until I feel like I have to.

Although this was originally supposed to be a beauty blog I am at the stage where I feel it should just be a general blog. I’m definitely going to start using it more once I start travelling Australia as I feel it would be a good way to document my journey. Until that time comes I’m going to try and blog as often as possible, however I’m not going to commit to anything that I can’t come through with.

One thing I am currently trying to do is express my feelings more, as this is something that I have always struggled with. I have started to write down my feelings in a journal so they are private, but the next step for me is to be able to share these feelings. Ideally this would be with my friends, however I allow myself to put a barrier up when it comes to talking about that sort of thing, so it might be a good idea for me to share them on here. It is extremely difficult having this barrier as it stops me being completely honest with people and I can see it in their eyes that all they want is for me to be able to talk to them, rather than avoiding the situation.

Tomorrow I am heading back to Leeds for a long weekend, it’s my best friends 22nd so I’m looking forward to going out with my friends that I rarely see and just trying to enjoy myself before the grind of university beckons me back. As well as this I am looking forward to catching up with family, especially my grandparents who I have not seen since Christmas. I am extremely close to my grandparents so I hate that I live so far away from them, and I know this feeling is only going to increase when I move abroad.

I am also getting a long awaited hair cut, I have not had it done since August as I refuse to go anywhere but my trusty hairdresser, and as I have rarely been in Leeds I have not had the opportunity. Obviously I am going to have to get over this fear of a new hairdresser otherwise I am going to spend all my time in Australia with a mop head. My hair has become ridiculously dead, and I know I am going to get told off for dying my hair myself.

Recently I started epilating my legs, it’s something I have been wanting to do for a while but I always chickened out of it. I bought my own epilator a year or two ago and tried it once before throwing it away. Then my housemate started using one so I thought I would try again and I managed to brave the pain and it is the best thing I have ever done. I am quite a hairy person, normally my legs would be stubbly a few hours after shaving, now I’m fine for at least a week. The pain was quite severe at first but after a few sessions I have become used to it and I have taken the plunge and splashed out on my own epilator. I really wanted one with a light on because that is what I have been using and it helped to see all the fine hairs that you cannot see without the light. It was difficult finding a cheap one but then I came across the Braun Silk Epil 5780 on the Superdrug website, reduced to £49.95 from £99.99. I was initially reluctant to spend this much but then after seeing all the attachments that the epilator comes with as well as the brilliant reviews it has got I purchased it. I am currently waiting for it to be delivered but as soon as it does I plan on posting a review on here.

That’s all for now, hope everyone is well.